“Feeling confused yet?” my seminar leader asked. No one said a word. We just gave her a nervous nod.
“That’s good, that’s what we’re here for.”
Three weeks of having a module called “Psychology, Subjectivity and Power” has left me further away from knowing myself than I’ve ever been before. I’ve gone from feeling like I’m everything, to being fully convinced that I’m nothing at all. I’m a construction. A brick in a capitalistic puzzle game. A result of everyone else. Or am I?
Who am I, and when am I really myself?
“That’s good, that’s what we’re here for.”
Three weeks of having a module called “Psychology, Subjectivity and Power” has left me further away from knowing myself than I’ve ever been before. I’ve gone from feeling like I’m everything, to being fully convinced that I’m nothing at all. I’m a construction. A brick in a capitalistic puzzle game. A result of everyone else. Or am I?
Who am I, and when am I really myself?
Am I myself when I’m all alone? When no one pays attention to what I do or how I do it. When no one has an opinion on me.
Am I myself when I sit in the same seminar ten weeks in a row without saying a word? Am I myself when I have something to say, but feel too scared to let the words out? Or am I myself when they gush out of my mouth accompanied by dramatic hand gestures?
Am I myself when I’m on a stage in front of an audience? Am I myself when I’m with my parents who’ve been by my side ever since I took my first breath? Or am I myself around my friends when we speak openly of sex and unpredictable plans for the future while we shiver from our hangovers and laugh till we cry?
The other students in my seminar, the audience, my parents and friends - all these people probably wonder the same things, and they probably feel as alone about it as I do. We’re alone together. That’s a thing I find quite bizarre. How we manage to find each other when we can’t even find ourselves.
Am I myself when I sit in the same seminar ten weeks in a row without saying a word? Am I myself when I have something to say, but feel too scared to let the words out? Or am I myself when they gush out of my mouth accompanied by dramatic hand gestures?
Am I myself when I’m on a stage in front of an audience? Am I myself when I’m with my parents who’ve been by my side ever since I took my first breath? Or am I myself around my friends when we speak openly of sex and unpredictable plans for the future while we shiver from our hangovers and laugh till we cry?
The other students in my seminar, the audience, my parents and friends - all these people probably wonder the same things, and they probably feel as alone about it as I do. We’re alone together. That’s a thing I find quite bizarre. How we manage to find each other when we can’t even find ourselves.
It hits me how three weeks of psychology has set fire my brain on fire to this extent. I had my doubts about this module in the first place, as the past year hasn’t really been my healthiest mentally. Then again going through some mental struggles is probably a healthy thing seen from another perspective.
Truth is, I was scared. Scared of what awaited me. Scared it would trigger those thoughts that from time to time tend to choke me and leave me all the more confused than I already am.
Being scared is probably what I’m scared of the most. I want to be fearless. Can I be both? Can I be both scared and fearless, and still be me?
The worst scenario I can think of is sitting in a job interview and having the following line thrown at me:
“So…
*the interviewer looks down at my CV (a piece of paper that, while writing it, gave given me a writer’s block, anxiety and bad confidence, all at once)*
…Anna, who are you? Who is Anna Nor Sørensen?”
If you ask me, I’ll ask you.
If nothing I’m “highly extrovert”, at least according to this personality test I took the other week. A hyper social creature who should consider to calm down before everyone has had enough.
“Listen up, Mr Interviewer, I’m super outgoing. Sometimes I’m even the life of the party. I uptake quite some space and demand a lot of attention. I’m very social and make friends easily.”
Truth is, I was scared. Scared of what awaited me. Scared it would trigger those thoughts that from time to time tend to choke me and leave me all the more confused than I already am.
Being scared is probably what I’m scared of the most. I want to be fearless. Can I be both? Can I be both scared and fearless, and still be me?
The worst scenario I can think of is sitting in a job interview and having the following line thrown at me:
“So…
*the interviewer looks down at my CV (a piece of paper that, while writing it, gave given me a writer’s block, anxiety and bad confidence, all at once)*
…Anna, who are you? Who is Anna Nor Sørensen?”
If you ask me, I’ll ask you.
If nothing I’m “highly extrovert”, at least according to this personality test I took the other week. A hyper social creature who should consider to calm down before everyone has had enough.
“Listen up, Mr Interviewer, I’m super outgoing. Sometimes I’m even the life of the party. I uptake quite some space and demand a lot of attention. I’m very social and make friends easily.”
That’s the truth, but at the same time a lie. There are so many situations in life where I’m the complete opposite. I’m not always outgoing. I too can be reserved and enclosed. Quiet. I too can feel uncomfortable in a social setting and leave without knowing anyone new. I can feel invisible and small. At times I even find myself liking it that way. Still I’m me, am I not? I hate the fact that we have to fit into one side of a binary or the other.
We’re either kind or evil. Homosexual or heterosexual. Boy or girl. Popular or unpopular. Talented or untalented. Succeeding or failing. And so on. We let ourselves be defined by characteristics and abilities all the time. Why can’t we just… be?
Personally I’m not one thing or the other. I am everything that I am. Most times, that’s a lot, at times very little. Other times nothing at all.
What’s important is that I live. I exist. I am. Who that is I wouldn’t know. Someday I might figure it out.
Before then I have seven more weeks of psychology, which in turn will lead me even further away from an answer.
We’re either kind or evil. Homosexual or heterosexual. Boy or girl. Popular or unpopular. Talented or untalented. Succeeding or failing. And so on. We let ourselves be defined by characteristics and abilities all the time. Why can’t we just… be?
Personally I’m not one thing or the other. I am everything that I am. Most times, that’s a lot, at times very little. Other times nothing at all.
What’s important is that I live. I exist. I am. Who that is I wouldn’t know. Someday I might figure it out.
Before then I have seven more weeks of psychology, which in turn will lead me even further away from an answer.